I have found myself very contemplative lately. Reflective. It’s not a place I usually go. I think…hmmm…maybe it’s the season for that sort of thing ~ reflecting over things past, looking toward things to come… It’s been… Well. It’s BEEN. I think, sometimes, I must be a very shallow person. I live on the surface. There’s is so much going on that is background noise. Past hurt and disappointments, failure, challenges ~ some of which feel like, maybe, for a time, at least, beat me ~ endings, beginnings, in-betweens. It all starts to run together, and, I think, at a certain point, we start to realize that we are all of those things, all at once, and that’s what life ~ what reality ~ is. It’s all just this massive consciousness, you know? We travel through this journey that is our life, and we just keep picking up cargo as we go, and it’s all just…assimilated. It becomes part of our “whole.” The people we know, the experiences we have, the things we feel ~ it’s all part of whatever is that essential truth that is ~ what? Us? Or life? Reality? The soul? God?
I think about God a lot, lately. Is that weird? I do. I have watched people I love stare down death, and I think that gives you pause to consider large questions. I think about this belief I have that there is some…thing…or some…I don’t know, exactly, to be honest, but…well, there’s just something in each of us that makes us more than just an individual. I mean, of course, we are individuals: but, somehow, I feel we are part of something larger, something whole, and important. There’s some…I don’t know…some intrinsic value in not our existence alone, but our existence here, at this time, among these people, in this place, as part of this corporal experience. It’s meaningful, and, I guess, whatever that thing is, it’s my God. That’s how I understand it. I think it’s my belief in the Holy Spirit ~ in the idea that there is a little part of God (or whatever you want to call it) in each of us that makes us part of some common wholeness ~ that makes me feel safe and secure in the world. I can move forward, because I know I am part of something that is more than just my own experience of the world.
I’ve had people ask me how, being intelligent, I can believe in God. If science can explain things like our origin, for instance, why believe in God? I get that. It’s a valid question. I guess, for me, science is the very proof that God exists. I mean, the fact that I can find answers, that there are answers to find, is part of what I understand as “God.” I remember, years ago (we were teenagers), when a friend of mine was talking with another friend at a party about this very subject. They talked way back through the Big Bang, and she asked him what caused the conditions to exist that made that happen the way it did, and he replied, “There was…some… force…” “May the Force be with you, Luke Skywalker,” she replied, “I call that God.” And I thought, “Yeah. That’s it. Me, too.” It’s the fact that things CAN be explained that makes me believe in God.
Sort of. It’s that, and…well, to be honest, it’s a choice. I choose to believe. I want to live in a world where there are angels and saints and a commonality that binds us together and makes us one people, no matter what we call it. I want to be live in a world where the reason I treat my fellow man well is because we are all part of the same thing. Because, no matter how different we are, there is an essential sameness that overrides all of that and makes us one. It’s that oneness that is my God.